


Coryphée

by Konbini



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Bottom Louis, Louis' self esteem, M/M, Top Harvey, mentions of Esther Litt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27734830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Konbini/pseuds/Konbini
Summary: Their lithe and muscular frames, their agility, their ability to transcend mere dance into art...Louis loves ballerinas.Maybe because they are so very different from himself.
Relationships: Louis Litt/Harvey Specter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	Coryphée

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ouro_boros](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ouro_boros/gifts).



> Coryphée - classical ballet term meaning 'leader'.
> 
> Thanks for single-handedly maintaining this ship Ouro-boros! Happy holidays!

Louis bets Harvey doesn't know what it's like to trip, stumbling over lead-like feet, balance teetering into the side of chaos, people laughing when you hit the ground. And it's not even like it's because it's a fuck up or a mistake. It's because _you're_ a fuck up and _you're_ a mistake. Really, the trip was just a long time in coming, right?

And Louis has read about this online. Imposter syndrome. Disproportionately affecting higher status woman and wouldn't Harvey just laugh if he knew?

Imposter syndrome - except is it really if Harvey can see it too?

Graceful. Dignified. Coveted. A snow covered volcano akin to Grace Kelly.

Louis knew he'd never be a beautiful blonde. He'd never be a slim, delicate man. There was probably a moment in his life somewhere though that he was able to suspend his disbelief.

Where he thought of his liquid brown eyes as assets, his thick brows kind of youthful like Brooke Shields, thought maybe his mouth might work if you just squinted a bit, that his voice might lose than tinge of what some people called whine. That maybe it kind of came together for a better overall impression.

He'd never be on Esther's level but there was a resemblance, right?

It's been years since he's allowed himself to even entertain the thought.

Ballet is just one of those things. Louis _loves_ Ballet. Everything about ballet. From the costumes to the music. The makeup and the theatrics. The movement.

So precise, so graceful.

It makes him happy to watch it. It feeds his heart, is what he's saying.

He doesn't think about the differences between him and them during the performance. Instead he sits in the dark and he feels like he's part of it.

Harvey is like a ballerino - no, really. Louis knows Harvey would find the comparison unflattering. Of course he would. Either that or he would be outrageously pleased.

Harvey is just as ethereal as the Swan Princess. He moves and the universe makes space. He glides from meeting to meeting, self assured. More like a prince, now that Louis is making comparisons.

That tilt of head, the sweeping gesture of his arm, the haughty arch of his eyebrow, all so perfectly choreographed.

Graceful. Dignified. Coveted.

Harvey is a snow covered volcano.

About Esther.

Louis thought they could be friends. Well, not really. He thought that with their long history that Harvey might respect him as a colleague. He'd all but begged Harvey not to woo his sister.

The kicker was that he'd believed it could work. That Harvey would respect him. Would respect him enough not to sleep with his sister. Even after years of gas lighting. Years of Harvey telling him in no uncertain terms exactly what he thought of him.

Louis has no one to blame but himself. Blinded by an occasional scrap of friendship. How pathetic could one man be?

What had he been thinking? Harvey and Esther were perfect for each other. Two brilliant brunettes with shark teeth. Although that's not what he'd been thinking at the time of his and Harvey's confrontation.

Instead he'd been inundated with a persistent suspicion that maybe it was all a way to get back at him like some sick, twisted 'I fucked your mom' twelve year old troll's idea of bullying.

Harvey had made Esther cry. Not even Louis' own inappropriate jealousy had been aroused or that old injury of others using him to get to Esther. All he'd been thinking was that Harvey made Esther _cry_.

In hindsight, it's embarrassing how much Louis lashed out.

It'd been ugly and his voice had cracked and he'd thrown everything at Harvey he'd had - which hadn't been much, although it was enough to get him punched and thrown through a coffee table.

Louis guesses it was his own fault for instigating the physical altercation. It doesn't make it any easier to take. He feels like an ass.

Two consenting adults, of course.

It's a mistake. One lonely night on Louis' part. One night of possible insanity on Harvey's.

They're late in the office. They argue about a case. Harvey says something teasing so Louis shoots off some smart reply and hightails it to the washroom to cool off and splash some water on his face.

Harvey follows him in and _kisses_ him. Pushes him against a stall wall.

Harvey's not hesitant at all. Louis waffles in indecision while Harvey turns him and moves his hands to brace above his head before pulling Louis' pants down. Louis thinks maybe Harvey will....but he doesn't. He shifts against him, Louis can _feel_ him and his hands come around to make short work of Louis but that's as far as the night takes them.

It happens fast. The world doesn't look the same after.

Harvey smiles slyly, eyes like slits, while Louis blushes and stutters out excuses to leave.

It's...sex. Louis refuses to call it making love with Harvey.

He wants to think it won't happen again - just one lonely night, right? - but all Louis has are lonely nights since Sheila left.

And for what?

Louis is no closer to having the family he wants.

It's morally reprehensible when Louis thinks about it. He's never been one for one night stands. And with someone with which Esther has _already._...it's gross. Improper. Near blasphemous.

Not to mention his own inexperience with men.

Louis pretends it never happened and he's doesn't acknowledge his own disappointment when Harvey does the same.

Louis treats himself to all much ballet as he can stomach. It's worth it, to know there's something better out in the world. Something perfect. His hands can't touch it maybe (only he had touched Harvey, hadn't he) but his eyes can look their fill.

He doesn't realize at first when the ballet starts feeling...off. Bad. Instead of giving Louis a high it gives him a low. He walks around for days afterward feeling like a manatee or a walrus, just thumping along ungainly. Hideous.

Like an imposter. Something unworthy doing his best to fake it until he makes it and hoping no one notices.

Not acknowledging it works until the next time it happens.

They end up at Harvey's that time. Harvey spirits him away from the office on some pretext that flees Louis' mind when Harvey locks the door behind them.

Louis feels trapped, inexplicably. Not enough to say no to Harvey of course. But it's immediately apparent this isn't just a bout of insanity.

No, more likely it's that Harvey has realized he has a convenient fuck lined up for whenever he wants. Because what is Louis going to do? Say no?

He doesn't.

The conversation drops off until Harvey approaches him, hungry looking. He pushes Louis' jacket off his shoulders and Louis lets him. They kiss and Harvey walks him backwards until they reach the bedroom where Louis looses his pants as well.

Louis trips when the back of his knees hit the bed and ungracefully plops down onto it.

It doesn't matter because Harvey is on him in the next instant. A line of solid heat against Louis' chest.

Harvey nudges Louis' legs apart and Louis lets them drop open.

Harvey grins down at him and warms his hands across Louis thighs, rubbing up and down. Louis manages a watery smile.

Harvey goes slow.

Louis is embarrassed at the time it takes. At the sounds he makes. But it's worth it to look at Harvey's satisfied expression when he pushes in even if it punches out Louis' breath.

Maybe Louis was expecting him to be cruel.

Harvey isn't. He's _nice_ to his bedmates it turns out.

It feels so good Louis feels like he's going to come apart. And he does.

Afterwards Harvey traces a hand lazily up and down Louis' arm before he tiredly drops off.

That's his cue, Louis figures. He cleans up what he can and leaves the rest.

He sneaks out and tries not to obsess over it but he does.

Harvey gets increasingly handsy when he thinks no one is looking, it's like a new kind of teasing. Louis doesn't quite know how to handle it. He invariably gets red, stutters out his replies, but that's all.

They present the same embittered rivalry at work as always but Donna arches an eyebrow behind Louis' back and that's when he knows that she knows. The bottom of his stomach drops out.

He avoids her for the rest of the day.

Well, maybe _avoids_ is not quite it. He tells Gretchen to hold his calls, and literally runs for the door when he sees Donna coming down the hall.

She doesn't chase, so he has that going for him.

Louis doesn't attend the ballet anymore. He can't look at them with out feeling sick.

He thinks about quitting the firm, only he's worked so hard to get where he is. He doesn't know who he'll be without it. Maybe Donna won't mention it, won't bring it up. How _humiliating_ would that be for everyone to know he's Harvey's fuck toy? That he's letting Harvey....while Harvey's just slumming it until something better comes along.

Like Esther maybe.

And wouldn't that be the final straw? All Esther has to do, probably, is show up at the office a couple of times before Harvey is trailing after her like a dog.

It's Louis' fault. He gave Harvey everything knowing he would get nothing. Harvey probably thinks he's doing Louis a favor. Louis knows it will look that way to everyone else.

He's not sure he can live with that.

He goes to the ballet. He might already be a little drunk on wine. He's more mussed than he would usually be.

He watches the dancers - flawless, they're flawless.

Some German man claps his shoulder on the way out.

"They made me cry too." He says in a thick accent.

The next day is the worst. Louis is pale, eyes bloodshot and head pounding from his hangover. But after a prunie and a cup of really strong coffee he looks better.

He texts Harvey and they agree to go in a little early to the office to meet up. As it happens, they meet in the elevator.

"Rough night?" Harvey asks, amused, when he sees him.

"Could say that." Louis shoots back, he has his game face on now.

"Right." Harvey drawls, "So what was so important that it couldn't wait?"

"Donna knows. And you know, I just want to get out in front of it." Louis prays his words sound casual, he's trying very hard.

"Okay...what do you suggest?"

Here's the part on which everything hinges for Louis. If Harvey says no Louis isn't sure what he will do.

"I thought...I thought we could tell Donna that you lost a bet and I asked -" Louis can't finish, Harvey looks disturbed.

"Uh...what?" He says laughingly, only, he isn't amused anymore.

Louis shrugs.

It will cost Louis his friendship with Donna, with everyone she tells. Everyone who knows will despise him. The lie makes him a predator. But it's better than being...

"T-to explain why we - " Louis starts, unnerved by Harvey's silent and serious stare. "Just give me this okay? _Please?_ "

It's begging. But Louis is not above begging if it will work.

The elevator dings.

Louis steps off and realizes too late Donna is waiting in the entrance for them. There's a small cake behind her.

"Congratulations." She says, grinning. "I know you weren't telling everyone so -"

She stops when she senses the tenseness.

Louis hadn't imagined this. That she would think...Louis feels tears prick his eyes. Fuck. There's no way Harvey will go along with this, will 'play house' with him. Louis knows no matter how they proceed he's about to be made a laughing stock. Even if Harvey goes along with Louis' story Louis is already regretting it.

Donna will never look, much less smile, at him again.

"Donna, do you mind? We need to be alone." Harvey's tone is grave.

"Sure Harvey." Donna says, a little worried, before bowing out gracefully.

When they're alone, Harvey takes a very deliberate step towards the cake. He isn't facing Louis. When he speaks his voice sounds strangled.

"When you asked to meet early I let Donna know. Just a small congratulations on our..."

"You're lying." Louis says abruptly.

It implies that Harvey wanted to celebrate - what? their relationship? Louis isn't a fool. Harvey doesn't respond. He walks over to the cake left at the entrance counter.

"She even got us ballet tickets." Harvey muses, picks them up and slaps them back down.

"I don't watch ballet anymore." It just comes out, Louis doesn't even mean to say it.

"Why?" Harvey asks, still facing away from him, "You love ballet."

Louis guesses Harvey asks because it's an aside, a last break before they have to deal with the mess of whatever this is. Before Harvey breaks his heart.

"I guess I got sick of looking at all that perfection and realizing I'd never measure up." Louis snarks, the comment is supposed to be light and 'funny', "Honestly, they're so beautiful."

Too late Louis realizes that is a point against him. Men go to see the beautiful ballerinas. They don't go because they want to _be_ one. Louis clumsily tries to recover,

"A-as a kid, I used to - but God, even then I was a hippo. Thank God I was too embarrassed to enroll in a class. The only one who had to see me practice was Esther. A-and you know I did it for...chicks. Like..a lamer Billy Elliot or something."

That does actually cause Harvey to turn around, but he isn't laughing at Louis' glib words. They're obviously not having the desired effect. Harvey still doesn't say anything.

That's a problem because the longer he doesn't say anything the more Louis starts to babble.

"Now Esther. She could have been a ballerina. I'm sure you agree. She's stunning. How do we have the same genes? Even my parents don't know. Like I said, all the guys used to use me to get to her. And I mean I should have known right? After all these years I shouldn't have needed the reality check that _you_ gave me. Because you and I both know what I am."

"What are you?" Harvey says it in that 'tell me again' tone, like he already knows.

"Don't-" Louis shuts his eyes, "Don't make me say it."

When Louis opens his eyes Harvey is running a hand across his mouth, he looks distressed.

"I screwed up." He says.

Then the elevators open and a rush of underlings rush out. Harvey turns and pockets the tickets. Swipes a finger across the cake - effectively destroying the message - and sticks the icing covered digit in his mouth. Some paralegal makes googly eyes at him, says something to which Harvey returns a polite smile.

Louis can't watch, but leaving would be suspicious. So he turns and makes his way past Harvey and the paralegal. Puts one foot in front of the other until he's finally in the safety of his office.

He has meetings and those, in his experience, are always good distractions.

Louis has a bad morning. He loses a client, gets yelled at by another client, and fumbles the ball with a prospective client. Gretchen watches him through the glass and Louis knows he's screwing up but he can't seem to help it. He can't get it together today, he can't fake it. Instead he's showing his true self - the imposter. The man who doesn't know what he's doing, who isn't competent enough to keep the plates spinning.

At noon Louis doesn't go out for lunch. He sees Gretchen hesitate before she knocks on the door and offers him some of hers but he waves her off.

"Louis." She says in a tone that brooks no argument, "I know something is going on so you just might as well tell me."

"Has anyone told you that your perceptiveness is both a blessing and a curse?" Louis snarls.

Gretchen doesn't deserve his ire of course, but when has that ever stopped Louis? He's a horrible little man who can't even control his feelings. Gretchen comes closer to his desk with her no-nonsense face on. There's really only one way to get her to leave - by being open with her.

But he can't do that, not really. 

Louis melts in defeat.

"It's something..." he braces himself so that his words don't waver, "I can't talk about it Gretchen."

"Okay." Gretchen nods, she reaches over and squeezes his forearm, "Let me know if there's anything I can do."

It's after she leaves, when the rest of the general office has emptied out, that Harvey finally shows up. Louis moves to get up - as if he's on his way to a meeting - but doesn't quite make it in time. Harvey waves him back down and settles himself in the chair across from Louis.

"There's a few things I want to say and I don't want you to stop me." Is what he begins with. 

It's going to suck. And maybe it's just Gretchen's support but Louis feels more equipped to handle it than he did this morning. He nods for Harvey to continue.

"First, I'd like to address Esther. I've apologized before and I mistakenly believed we were passed that. I want to apologize again. I made you a promise and I broke it. Esther got hurt even though that's the farthest from what I intended. She was magnetic and beautiful and all the things you never said but were implied. It didn't work, I wasn't at a point where it could have worked. You must have felt that I used you to get to her, you even told me how you felt, how others had done that before but I didn't take it seriously. I'm sorry, I should have. Maybe you felt that I used her, but that honestly wasn't - I didn't mean for that to happen the way it did."

As Harvey is speaking Louis feels the vice in his chest loosen. It's all the things he's wanted to believe. Harvey must sense that he's receptive because he moves on without waiting.

"Second, I would like to address my behavior these last few weeks. You'd think as a lawyer clarification would be important to me, that it might come naturally. Often, my impulsiveness overrides this. You can probably attest to that. I want you to know it wasn't a mistake, it wasn't just...an act of insanity. I did it with intention. I did it because I wanted to. But I didn't mean to...push you. I didn't take into account that given our history, you might come away with a different interpretation of events. What I wanted was - what I _want_ \- is a relationship with you."

Again, this is everything Louis has wanted to believe. But Harvey would know that wouldn't he? He can just picture Mike Ross throwing his head back and laughing when Harvey tells him how he led Louis on only to devastate him. His thoughts must show on his face because Harvey pales a bit, which is odd in and of itself.

"I can understand if you don't want to be with me. This wasn't something that should have taken this long to see. I mean - did you even really want to?"

Maybe it's the re-emergence of the distressed look on Harvey's face but suddenly Louis doesn't have it in him to doubt him. If it turns out he's wrong then he only has himself to blame, which is some comfort.

"I didn't say no Harvey." Louis admits. "It wasn't that I didn't want to."

Harvey relaxes, although he still doesn't look like his usual smug self. He looks defeated. It feels wrong, like seeing a Lion behind bars.

"That leads me to Three. You think there are conditions to this relationship."

Ah, relationship negotiation. This, Louis is more familiar with.

"You have no idea how it will feel when you drop me, a-and everyone knows. If we're going to do this then I don't want anybody to know. That, and you have to be safe when you have other partners."

Harvey looks uncharacteristically sad.

"There are no conditions Louis." He says.

"What do you mean by that?" Louis asks. Probably, Harvey means he will do whatever he feels like.

"I mean," Harvey says, eyes gleaming, "There are no conditions to me loving you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. You don't have put up with me running around on you. You don't have to settle for anything less than someone fully committed to loving you."

It's then that Louis realizes Harvey's eyes are gleaming because of unshed tears.

"I'm sorry for my part in making you feel this way. All the stupid shit I said over the years, thinking it meant nothing. The truth is you always scared me. Since I first met you. You were so... _passionate_. Like a volcano. So...pure, like snow. I wanted to grubby you up as much as I wanted to keep you untouched. The truth is that sometimes I feel like a bitter, fucking mess. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that way too...You were always on my mind. I didn't realize at the time but there was a reason I was insanely attracted to Esther. I only thought about it when we...and then after I knew I had to break it off. She has your eyes Louis."

Louis doesn't know how to feel - emotions are warring within him. Because Harvey has just called him a snow covered volcano and admitted he's _thought_ about him and it's everything he's ever wanted.

"There's this...discrepancy." Harvey continues, "Between how you think that I see you and how I actually see you. I was bitter and petty a lot of the time. I was angry at myself and taking it out on you. I can see now how it's affected you. Early on I would pray on your weaknesses, your insecurities. I'm sorry."

A tear does fall then. Louis is almost afraid to breathe.

"That's...okay." He finally says.

"It's really not."

"That's what my therapy is for." Louis says flippantly and smiles his first real smile since this thing with Harvey started.

Louis doesn't even realize he's crying until Harvey reaches across the desk and wipes them away.

"Ballet tonight?" Harvey asks.

Louis thinks of the perfect ballerina's for only a moment before he considers Harvey in a tux beside him and nods.

"Well, I also heard there was cake."Louis prods unseriously. 

Louis doesn't know how to respond to it all. It's probably going to take him weeks to process it.

His therapist is going to sprain his hand writing it all down.

"Donna did save you a sizeable portion." Harvey concedes, matching Louis' comfort level, "The cake said, 'My condolences Louis' by the way."


End file.
